As it's the third time weaning a child off breastfeeding, I thought it would get easier but it's been the most bizarre and surreal experience. It's been like letting go of something that's been wearing me down but also keeping me tied to the most wonderful connection I've ever experienced. Breastfeeding is probably the most natural thing on earth and I thought I would never do it. Didn't understand it. If anything, it actually icked me out. Then I gave birth and my first born latched on. The midwife in the ward helped me with the basics and off I went. In came a swarm of hormones that made me protect the sanctity of feeding. I became quite the advocate. I came round to the idea that it was, actually, the best way to soothe a child, the easiest way (for me) to feel close to a child; but my goodness, it takes a village to help you learn how to do it.
I had a lady who ran an NCT breastfeeding class after the 6 sessions of the NCT programme finished. She went through all the basics and it was bemusing and confusing. I didn't really have a clue what was going on. She gave me her number and told me to call it whenever I needed help. Whenever I wanted. I sort of shrugged but I tucked her card away. What we all didn't know that in 6 months time we were going to go into lockdown.
When the time came, around 6 weeks after my first being born, when I was so stuck and confused how on earth women were meant to survive, I called Kate, the breastfeeding guru. She listened. Then repeated what I was going through with a bit of advice. The way she helped was phenomenal. Like magic. It soothed me and she understood what to do. I learnt about cluster feeding, the constant latching on and off to demand more milk and up my supply. I learnt how they start to get distracted at 3-4 months and their heads just bob on and off for ages as they are starting to open up to the world. I learnt that this is when most women give up because the on and off bobbing 'woodpecker' technique made them think they weren't making enough. Instead, I fed more at night. Then that phase was over. Then onto weaning alongside breastfeeding. Christ. That was unreal. I learnt that nothing is linear. That everything takes time and my patience was tested every day.
Then came breastfeeding while learning to crawl and learning to walk. The breastfeeding that soothed every bump or upset. The instant soother. Then the night feeds. Every wake up, an instant soother and instantly back to sleep. But the tiredness. The lack of iron. The lack of space. The lack of sex. The lack of socialising. The lack of everything that made me a woman before. I was a new woman and breastfeeding has shaped me for 7 years.
Most women I speak to don't understand or wouldn't or couldn't. I had no idea I was so persistent, so determined, so proud of every day that I got through, and so proud of my fast let down, . Then I fed through preganancy and I thought that would mean I needed to stop but my first loved it before bed and she didn't even mind dry spells from twenty weeks. Colustrum came in from the thirtieth week or so as I remember her starting to gulp. No-one prepares you for feeding a child for so long. Even thinking back to how I fed through preganancy is bizarre. It doesn't feel real. I'm not quite sure how I did it. I was so in the thick of motherhood that anything was possible. Quite a powerful time for the body, depsite feeling so weak.
Then came tandem feeding and it's probably the most insane achievement of my life. I fed a newborn baby and a toddler at the same time. Just saying that blows my mind. One of my closest friends got my first tandem feed with them turned into a sketch and it hangs near my wardrobe. I remember what all of us were wearing and I remember exactly how it felt.
I weaned my eldest off boob just before she was 3. She read the dinosaur book from Uncle Duv every night until she fell asleep. She cuddled boob and still likes a big cuddle like that every now and then. Then I still had our second baby to feed. The boobs adjust and feed the right milk for whether it's baby or toddler, but due to such a fast let down, the toddler usually got the quickest let down and then baby got the second half so she didn't choke on the first bit.
When my first weaned, my second was getting used to the let down and weaning to food. Due to feeding for approx. 4 years non-stop, I weaned my second at 2 years. She was already turning around and wanting to sleep on her own. My first found it very hard. My second found it easier. My third is somewhere in between. She has her lansinoh bottle of milk and with all three, we booby milk to booby moon. We get a balloon blown up by Grandad, then the baby cuts the ribbon and the balloon flies up with booby milk up to the moon. The moon then gives the milky to other mums to feed their babies with. For some reason, this story has stuck and it works - with consistency.
Some women would go out out and I realised at one point that I had fed a baby or child to sleep EVERY SINGLE NIGHT FOR FOUR YEARS. Not one night off or out or away. My friend got married in Jersey and we absolutely loved being there and alone. Then we got pregnant that autumn and the whole cycle started again. I knew I'd be feeding to sleep every night for another two years. I actually dreaded the length of it at first and contemplated bottles for freedom but I couldn't. Breastfeeding is the only way I know. Now it's complete. I've succeeded in feeding three girls: one for three years, and two for two years.
We're now on night four of no feeding to sleep and no feeding back to sleep 4-5 times every night. We're on night four of breaking a habit of two years. We've been co-sleeping as by our third we just didn't have the energy to keep putting her in and out of her cot. She is my shadow. It's adorable but overwhelming. We realised we were ready to wean when my hormones just felt like they'd had it. I have given them everything I could possibly give.
And that's the weirdest part - despite wanting and needing to stop - I still find this feeling within me that I now can't give them everything any more. To me, breastfeeding was a way for me to give them everything they needed and more. But now, they just have cuddles and it never feels like enough.
And Oscar - he's been a father for seven years while I breastfeed. Managing our individual expectations and wishes have been difficult but he's brought midnight crumpets up our old two flights of stairs on those nights when feeding and hunger was strong. He mastered the chocolate fondant over lockdown. He got me through three postpartum stages. He held me as I gave birth to all our children. He cradled our third born naked, on his naked chest, for hours, until I came back from the operating table. She had a golden hour but I hemoraged due to my placenta being left in. 3.2l of blood loss was enough for them to tell me to say goodbye to them as I was wheeled out. But I got to say hello again. Taken to the edge like that meant I could appreciate every feed. I genuinely enjoyed it and she was a dream. I'm so glad we had this journey. We somehow got through. And we're ok. It feels like we've stepped off a boat after a storm and waiting for it to feel settled.
Hormones have shown to create a goitre and some thyroid problems so Oscar's also had to support me through that. Then we've had a house move, his jobs, and there's always family issues that he's needed me for. So we've done alright. In the Spring, it'll be 10 years since he proposed at sunset in Florence. I say to him a lot that women need more support in scientific research. We need more information, we need more education about birth and post birth an breastfeeding. Not once was I told how to wean a child off breastfeeding.
As I'm sat here writing this, oxytocin has suddenly rushed in. My left boob [the one she only remained to feed on since she was 10 months] is very swollen and engorged. The rush of oxytocin has caused them to throb, as if expecting a feed. That feel good hormone is what I'll miss 5 times or more each night. I will need to find new ways of filling my cup of love. I will need to find a new routine with my her at bedtime which I think we're doing. It's a strange journey, adapting to change where the norm has been the norm for two years. She is the most wonderful human, and her sisters are just as wonderful, and I'm overjoyed that I'm writing this story that I never thought I'd write. Breastfeeding and us. Thank you, boobs. We've been amazing.
Just as a record so I can keep them forever:
(The following are messaged I have sent to my sister and Mum during the last 4 days)...
Sent from my iPhone
[1st & 2nd night]
"She fell asleep with this [mermicorn book] last night and now again tonight but her hugging it tonight. My boob is very swollen and already have cabbage on it 😂"
[5th night]
“News tonight is that she cuddled booby to bed for the first time. She cuddled the right boob because the left one of still extremely engorged and painful to touch. She was wriggling A LOT and couldn’t seem to get comfy. She would say ‘booby friend’ and ‘booby favourite’. She’s so lovely and so thoughtful. She properly copies J’s meltdowns though! I watched her see J get annoyed then copy her by stamping her feet and grunting.”
[6th and 7th night]
“News on 6th and 7th night: she turns on her tummy and makes it dark, then breathing slows, tells me she loves booby, then starts rolling over onto my arm when I say it’s time to go to sleep. She also likes to rub her face all over boob for a bit for some weird reason. This is after we talk about which booby is poorly still (much less engorged but still lumpy - probably going to be a 10 day healing like J).”
(Every night she’s getting easier and easier to help fall asleep)
Books are extremely important to help her wind down. I couldn’t do this without books!!!
ZP x
Comments
Post a Comment