I'm on the sofa with popcorn. It's raining in March and I've got Eat Pray Love on. It's the film I watch when I'm unsettled. It reminds me that people also go through stages of life; through chapters in time.
In life, sometimes we need the sofa, chocolate and a good film on. It seems like life is so hard for everyone right now and there's so much pressure. We need the sun and we need the earth to give us flowers.
I've been thinking about what I want from my teaching life. My career has been progressing towards a Housemistress role but how would it work with my two little girls who need me more than ever?! They will always need me and I will always put them first. Another Housemistress told me that I'd be ready to be one when I'm ready to put my children second. Maybe it’s something I have to let go of because I’m not sure I’d ever be able to put them second. I’d love to hear from anyone else about how they work family life with a Housemistress role.
The role came around very suddenly and, potentially finding that dream role, I had an interview. It all came about from my lacrosse outreach and it spiralled into maybe getting a proper position in September. It was clear that the boundaries I need in order to make my children happy and content would have to be excused for other pupils. I cannot put my children second.
So for now, my dream of that elusive role will have to be put aside. I'm not sure it's something I'll ever be able to achieve due to how we bring up our own children. Again, I will have to find work that works around the timetable of our children's life. They need me to be there for them. Always. And a job will never stand in their way. I need to be reliable and be that constant for them when the world is hard to navigate.
Finding teacher roles where I can still do my lacrosse coaching. Finding a teaching role that I can do three times a week in September but feel rewarded in comparison to how much satisfaction I got when I was full time is difficult. I went back part time between my two girls and I didn’t feel like I was contributing enough. I’d rather not do it at all than not do it very well. Maybe I’ll stick to finding roles in the community where I can feel I'm being useful in some way. Or I could just open up that library cake shop…! Through Educafe, I’ve achieved that dream. We set up a cake shop in the library. We hosted specialists for new mothers. It’s been running two years and it’s thriving. I’m ready to hand the torch over.
I seem to have lost my way in fantasising about my own career and need to make sure that my girls are supported. But it's so difficult because I know I'd already be a Housemistress if I didn't have children. Becoming a male Housemaster wouldn't be affected like this and that's what I'm struggling with. I know I could be incredible in this role but I can't with the young children I have unless I put them into full time childcare. Or Oscar becomes a full time Dad. That's how a male Housemaster would do it. Their wife is the full time carer or they go into childcare. The man can still have his dream role but why do we have to sacrifice? Maybe it’s because I can’t bring myself to do that: to sacrifice the care of my children to someone else. Maybe that role is more important to me. And it is.
Do I feel societal pressure to be this amazing mother? Yes. But do I also have the pressure from within me to have the job I’ve dreamed of? Also, yes.
The only answer: Would I be able to put my children second by allowing them to be looked after by their Dad? Yes. I just don't know how to make that happen. I'm feeling trapped with the constant need to be needed. I need an escape. I want a night alone. Being a mother has made me very impatient most of the time. I haven't slept through the night in 4 years. I'm in sleep deprivation mode, still. And I constantly think of how I can escape.
And then a Thursday comes along where I have a whole morning to myself and I can relax. I'm doing my nails and not being touched, or talked to by anyone. And then, I'll miss them, and I’ll feel awful that I wanted to escape. Gah, what a tricky time. Where I can't really be anything but a mother. I try to work on little projects but I'm always being told I'm too busy and need more time to relax.
I started this blog to follow my teacher/motherhood journey and I'm glad I've got an outlet to expel all my ideas out. I never knew that a career after children would be so hard. I thought I'd be able to hand my children over to childcare more easily but I actually want to be the ones to bring them up. Because I want Oscar and I to bring them up, my career is being the sacrifice. I hate that word, sacrifice, but my life really has been totally altered. And I'm trying to understand how much I've had to give. So much of me has been left behind.
The answer right now: to appreciate how great our life already is. And it is. Our house is wonderful. We’re finally enjoying it after spending so many years renovating it.
And, I think we all need a holiday together (this Easter we're off on a farm stay) and then we've got our first Italy trip too in the summer. We need to make memories and enjoy life together, rather than feeling resentful for what I could be doing.
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