As Oscar bathes Olive and plays with her in the bath, I have the time to write. We've had a weekend away from him and we've missed him so much. Their bond is just so heartwarming. Makes me want another...oh wait, we've already made one...just got to get the little one to Earth safely now and we don't have long to go...
This pregnancy is totally different to our first. Kicks are the same, same sickness at the beginning, same waves that roll in my stomach that make me feel so lucky and feminine. Same power. Same tiredness. Same overriding feeling of so. Much. Love. Same feeling of fear. The fear is now: how on earth will we cope with two? I think more about post-birth than the birth itself. As soon as I'm on Mat Leave, at the end of this week, I can feel a shift moving towards preparing for birth and the arrival.
I literally have no idea how we'll cope but we will. It's amazing how much courage and reserves we have deep down. Oscar said the other day that we'll do it together with the people around us. I'm so grateful to have all our four Grandparents within half an hour to run to as well as all our friends. We're lucky with that support and I couldn't survive as a new Mum without it. Without it, I'd rely heavily on baby clubs and support lines. And this is where lockdown must have been so tough for new Mums. I met a Mum down the park the other day with a girl who had just turned one. So her baby has spent her entire existence in lockdown in some way or another. We were lucky that I had the first 6 months with Olive, being able to go to baby groups and find that support. That network of Mums around me will hopefully form the basis of Mum support for the new baby. I have five close friends all due around the few weeks that I am due and I can imagine we'll be chatting in the early hours about those sleepless nights (although the way Olive is sleeping as an 18 month old probably won't be any different!).
The good thing is is that I know what to look forward to - those months of cuddles and feeding and love. Those tiring weeks where all you need is your bubble. The nights where we thought Olive was broken as she wouldn't stop crying (witching hour), the night's of cluster feeding; those tough nights are what we expect. But I think I should prepare myself for new things. We're going to have a different baby with different needs and different reactions. The same things that work with Olive won't work for the new one. We will have to adapt and change and grow again as a family. It's all about being flexible, understanding the ebbs and flows of a new life. We won't be so overwhelmed with how much a baby changes our lives. We are already in full swing...but adding another baby into the mix...that's what will be the challenge. We've got our baby sling ready - I can imagine baby being on me A LOT - like Olive was. Taking summer walks while Olive runs to the park. It's when they're both running around: that's what I'm most scared of...having eyes everywhere...
Anyway - I wanted this post to be about new parents and how we can remind ourselves of how to be. I may need to come back to this with a newborn to remind myself how hard it is and to give myself a break that we're all trying our hardest. The following stems from a text message I sent a close friend about the first few weeks of being a new mum.
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At the beginning, all baby needs is you. You’re the best Mum and Dad (or Mum and Mum or Dad and Dad or any other combo that your family are) that your baby could ever wish for. Parenthood is the hardest shock adults will ever experience. We are totally not ready for it. There is no way to truly prepare either. You can't warn people, you just have to let them find their own way. There is no advice anyone can give you for the complete mental switch up. It is only learnt through experience. Every stage is new and it’s so so hard with the lack of sleep. Over time, your body and mind will get used to it.
Sorry I can’t help more. It’s hard because there isn’t a magic fix when you're worrying. All I remember is being told that as long as baby is wetting her nappy and going up in clothes size then I don't need to worry.
I remember all those questions that doubt all of your parenting ways: Will breastfeeding mean that Oscar's connection be less? Will not sleep training mean we have a clingy, non-independent baby? Will cooking from scratch wear us out? Just do whatever your own family is happy with. Breastfeeding worked for us. Responding to our babies needs worked for us. Cooking nutritious food is at our core. That's us and we're sticking to it because although it's hard work, we can't do anything else than be us. Stick with your beliefs and do you.
We had to dig sooooo deep to get through the evenings and still do now.
It is such a massive adjustment parents go through - be kind to yourself. They start to be able to settle into a routine by 4 months or so. They still won’t know the difference between night and day. They’ve been in a dark, comfy cave for 9 months and all they want is you. Indulge them. Don't listen to people who don't follow the same beliefs in your parenting. Go your own way.
Olive didn’t sleep on her own for any length of time until 3 and a half months. People thought we were strange when she would only nap on us. Naps were on us, in the car, or in the buggy. At night, we’d take 2 hour shifts. She can now sleep with just one wake up a night but teeth/sleep regressions/all sorts of problems will hinder the pattern of sleep. They won't sleep the same every night. Expect the unexpected and just roll with the new curve balls.
Grandparents are a life saver if you have any close by. Their love is unimaginable.
For Mums, right at the beginning, remember that hormone drop on day 4 is the biggest drop you’ll ever experience when your milk comes in. It’s a real roller-coaster. I really struggled but with the help of friends, they said it would gradually fade and it did. Go with the waves of hormones and they will get better. You will adjust and heal.
For Dads, you are incredible. Your work goes unappreciated some days and the women get all the praise for birth. Oscar breathed Olive out with me. I could not have given birth without him by my side. His meals, his nourishment, nursed me back to health. Especially knowing that some Dads have the bread-winning burden on their shoulders, they have a lot to deal with. Thank you to the Dads (or partners) for always being there. You have no idea how amazing you are.
Make sure you rest. Stay in bed for a week and then spend a week on the sofa. Heal and soften your body. Close your bones.
Don’t push yourself. In the western world, we rush back into things when we don’t need to. Stop and breath that baby in.
What your body has been through is unbelievable so nourish, nourish, nourish.
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Finally, my last words here is that all of us are winging it. All of us don't really have a clue what we're doing and most of the time, we're on survival mode. It's OK to feel like parenting is the hardest thing in the world. It's because it is. It's also the most amazing thing when you look back and see what you've created.
Maybe with the 4th or 5th one, I'll know a bit more?!
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