The dark red blood heart looked up at me as I tore open the chest cavity with poultry shears in order to make some stock. I'd already carved off the raw breast fillets and the legs were already roasting in salt and thyme. The plump and shiny garnet heart appeared beautifully still and I suddenly became sorry for the animal that we were eating for dinner. Oscar said I should appreciate the sacrifice but all I could think about was how his leg broke as he landed - thud - on the ground after a rain of tiny pellets shattered into his flesh. We stuffed it with gorgonzola and made a pearl barley risotto with roasted carrots. Warming in winter. That heart still haunts me.
Sorry for the gruesome beginning but it was the most memorable meal this week. Talking of being haunted, I had to take a shortcut today when I drove to see my best friend's new little baby. I drove through the old town I once lived in. It felt like my old memories still floated in the shadows and I was waiting to see ex boyfriends pop up in the local faces I was driving past. Thankfully, I escaped and I've had a glorious few hours cuddling a newborn. We are blessed to have a new safe little bundle to adore.
Witney, the town I left because the man I was with in a rebound relationship (I jumped into straight after a 6 year relationship ended) decided to jump out of our first floor bedroom window because the devil told him to. This was my first entry into mental illness. I'd never seen a human taken over with such torment. I tried to fix him. I took him to mental hospital every day to help him recover, but, in the end, I had to leave him to save myself. I'm hoping he managed to fix himself because I learnt that only we ourselves can fix the inner self.
That experience still haunts me every now and then but it's made me understand the fragility of the mind and allowed me to create empathy for others experiencing that agony. Moreover, the people that support the mentally ill are the people in need of the most help. I am now away from that old life and I am grateful to never have scraped into that darkness. I came home and healed myself with the comfort of knowing I was ok. Deep down, I was ok and happy with myself; and I was able to move on.
That was quite an opening to this week's blog post. Sorry for the deepness. But equally, I appreciate this outlet in order for me to write and process my weekly occurrings. I have booked a birth reflection meeting this week to go through anything I forgot during June's birth. I'm hoping it'll help me connect some dots and also feel confident when going for doctors' appointments when we get her birthmark checked. A way to let go of old trauma.
This week I feel I've overcome a little crossroads as I know I will need to soon approach schools for jobs next year. I feel a shift happening. Thursdays are wonderful for me to relax and do as much life admin as possible while the rest of the week is absorbed into the children.
We met up with some family this week where we are both learning to let go of old emotions and learning a new way of life. It's refreshing to think differently and take a new direction into release. I have had to let go of volunteering for Age UK - that was a big thing for me to let go of. I will still see my 88 year old friend for coffee and catch ups but my role as a volunteer will be just for Educafe and Pheonix Lacrosse. Hopefully I can be paid for coaching at some stage of life but for now, it keeps me going with helping young girls becoming better versions of themselves through the wonderful world of sport. I like giving back to a sport that allowed to me to attain the best job I've had.
We're about to let go of 2022. Our first full year with our two girls. Next year, hopefully our first trip abroad. Letting go of old feelings and moving on with a different perspective. Still full of love, still full of joy, still full of crazy chaos.
There is something about holding a new baby that makes me feel warm, complete; that we are so lucky to be alive. And maybe that's the resounding message of this week: whatever happens in this weird path of life, we always recover by letting go, and we always go back to feeling happy and alive.
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