Birth and Motherhood

10 days before birth

When I started this blog, I wanted to bare all about certain aspects of motherhood and I guess I'm now happy and ready to open up. The biggest reason for publishing this is for there to be some positive stories out there. I found that, during a lot of my pregnancy, everyone would tell me about the horror birth stories that have been passed down from friend to friend and generation to generation equalling a progressively worse story as it passes on. Like someone rushed into A&E with a hand shoved up there. This can happen, yes, and I've heard a similar story since giving birth so it's not actually that rare. Giving birth is hard, and it can also be the most enlightening, uplifting, and empowering thing ever to experience. I remember being pregnant and someone asking me how I felt about birth. I was looking forward to birth. I actually couldn't wait. They were surprised. It's like the person that had asked me thought I should be nervous about it. Society expects us to be frightened by birth. It was the post-natal part that frightened me. Birth is the easy bit - looking after a baby non-stop is the hardest bit!

2 days before my due date: sealing the floor ready for the birth pool: it was quite a rush to get the house done!

Due Date!

The horror stories were hard to listen to when I'd never given birth before. There are so many positive stories out there - you've just to know who to talk to and who to expose yourself to. So, online there is the Positive Birth Company, but I actually found the best thing was talking to people. Learning their stories. Our librarian at work said she loved birth and I held onto her story.  Thank you, Lucy. My best friend had an amazing water birth and talked about how hypnobirthing helped her but also that it's not for everyone. It's realising that any eventuality can happen and being happy with however birth happened for you. Not many people seem to tell you that. People don't discuss positivity towards birth. It's like a weird, taboo subject that shouldn't be properly discussed. I do feel that it needs more of a voice. Also, birth is not a scary thing. It's a natural, all encompassing experience that overcomes your body.

I would do it all over again tomorrow. I loved birth. There, I said it. I loved birth. It feels naughty saying it.

Naughty, because I know some women have huge struggles. But don't get me wrong, I had hard parts. I was

Steak and Champagne night:
a few hours after contractions started

rushed into hospital from a homebirth at 7cm. That ambulance man was incredible. He thought I'd have Olive there and then but I wanted Oscar there. I had a small episiotomy but I wouldn't change it. Every process was part of what I had to do to get our baby out. I was calm; I was relaxed in making decisions. We decided to go for Hypnobirthing as I read up about it and enjoyed how I'd be educated about birth and my body during and after birth. We went with London Hypnobirthing (now called Yesmum) started by an incredible lady called Hollie De Cruz. Hypnobirthing allowed me to stay in control and have a 6 1/2 hour labour. Well, that's what the nurses wrote on paper but it was actually from twinges in the afternoon of the 11th - steak and champagne dinner followed [thank you Hollie for giving us the idea of a final date night!] - then proper contractions from 11pm and she came into the world at 9:13am on the 12th with the sweet taste of champagne still in my mouth. 

Lots happened in those 12 hours. Gas and air was my best friend! I mainly rocked backwards and forwards on my knees over our sofa while Oscar rubbed my back and my cat sat next to me. Being at home made me calm. Hospitals make me feel funny. Giving birth in hospitals is a historical trend that comes from WWII. Giving birth is not a medical procedure but then some women feel more comfortable there (which is totally fine, btw) and that's what it's all about - being the most comfortable and feeling safe, wherever you are. Even though I ended up having to do the final few hours in hospital, I was happy that I did the hardest part at home. Wherever you can dilute adrenaline and create oxytocin (both don't work together and we need to feel safe and loved to create oxytocin as oxytocin creates the ability to birth due to contracting the uterus). So, if you feel under threat or scared then oxytocin won't be produced and adrenaline will - therefore, you won't be able to birth your baby naturally and safely. By learning that with Hollie, I was able to picture where I felt most safe and calm. For me, it was at home, with Oscar and the cats by my side in the home we built. It still is. I'm hoping for a homebirth next time, but we'll see. Birth never turns out how you think!

Being at home worked. I got to 7cm and when I was about the get into the birth pool, my waters broke in our bathroom and there was a small amount of meconium in there. Ah...poo. Unfortunately, they couldn't tell if baby was ok or not (even though we could hear her) and it was a standard procedure to go in if they find meconium. The next thing I remember is the nurse coming to me in an emergency delivery suite telling me to do exactly what I just did again. I didn't know what I was doing. I changed my voice into a strange low growl, Oscar said. Apparently a doctor came in and gave me 15 minutes. The midwife said I could do it - she believed in me. I listened. I calmed. I focused. I pushed when I needed to. I breathed. Everyone around me guided me. Another woman came to the side of me as I was knelt over the bed. She told me I really needed to push. I didn't know how. I tried moving onto my ball or around the room but I couldn't walk. Rebecca the midwife was a hardy character but I needed that. She said I needed to be wider and on my back. It was episiotomy time because Olive's hand was on her face. I couldn't really feel it. I thought I wouldn't give birth on my back after reading about King Louis and his 22 children - but there didn't seem to be any other option in this emergency room.  The muscles felt strange. I really pushed and the midwife said 'do that again'. We waited for a contraction and I did it again. Digging deep. It was a whole new level. It was happening so fast but also in slow motion. Giving birth naturally was the most surreal experience. Seeing Oscar's face was unbelievable.

We were Mummy and Daddy in that second. As she was stitching me up at the end, Rebecca said that she actually gave me 40 minutes and went against the doctors. She knew I could do it. I'm so grateful for her. 

Too many cuddles is never enough

Already a smiler at one day old

Yes, I ended up with a natural birth but I would have been happy with a caesarean (I planned on turning down the lights or needing other drugs if I needed them). Being at home only allowed me to have a certain amount of help. I wanted to see what I was capable of. I wanted to feel it. Other people want all the drugs, other people opt for a caesarean and plan it in - all the options should be welcomed and not judged. All births are personal and should be accepted because that's what the woman wants. Some births don't turn out like women wanted but that's what I remember learning - birth never turns out how you think. It's about going with the flow and staying calm to produce oxytocin. Think about animals. They retreat to a cave or a small room to feel safe when giving birth. Our animal instinct is the same. When we educate ourselves about the options then the world opens up. I remember talking to my Mum and she didn't really have options for her birth. She just went into hospital and did what she was told. She was told 'don't worry about anything, dear, just listen to me and do what I say' by her midwife. The birth canal can be restricted in certain positions and I was scared about that. It's also about your own anatomy. Every woman is different. You don't really know how birth is going to go until it's happening. The role of the midwife is incredibly important (I couldn't have given birth without mine) but now the role of the mother is more active and less passive. We have a say. We can birth how we want. Where we want. Or on the side on the M4 like my friend did a few months ago...

OGJS

In the end, I was happy to have gone into hospital - the breastfeeding midwife there was incredible on the ward and I decided to stay a night just to make sure I was doing okay. They told me I could go home that night but I decided to stay in and I'm glad I did. The nurses were incredible. I then went home for 5 days in bed and a week on the sofa. Well, the next 6 weeks on the sofa as I can't remember doing anything else other than breastfeeding, watching Friends, and being fed nourishing and wholesome food by Oscar...


My birth really was an amazing experience but we had to work for it. The Hypnobirthing course in London was a two weekend course run by Jules and followed up with their guidance. You can be as involved as you want. I had a positive message sent to me every day between then and giving birth. We listened to their guided meditation tape every night before bed for 4 months before birth. We really prepared. We really thought about how we wanted our birth to be. I even blended my own essential oils for birth after trying out a variety. I made shower gel and foot cream to match my moods. I loved it all. I got bones from the butchers (I still remember walking in and asking for chicken feet and beef bones when I was 8 months pregnant) so we could make heart warming broths to nurse my bones back to health. The nourishing book 'The First Forty Days' was incredible. Also, reading and listening to how other women birth throughout the world is eye opening. Morocco - they have rituals like closing of the bones and other women come to shower the mother and feed her back to health. It's sacred.

The evening after birth, I remember not being able to walk. Oscar wheeled me to the toilet. I remember my lungs being really sore. I remember the shakes as I walked to have my first shower. No-one tells you about those firsts. I remember the moment 20 minutes after birth and the nurses left Oscar holding Olive as I thought about how to get to the shower. We were like, 'Oh, is that it then? We're parents now? How do we do this?'. It felt like they just left us. From that moment we were three. That moment changed us forever. It was funny - we laughed, and went, 'what do we do now?'. We laughed, but at the same time we felt alone, scared and vulnerable. We had to nourish each other back. We had to heal and become a family. We needed time. We created a bubble and we never loved a time more. So raw.

We did the NCT course but we spent most of the first few weeks saying things like 'why didn't they teach us how to dry under a baby's chin in the classes?!'. My birth bag was so personal and contained everything I needed (we won't talk about how we forgot the baby birth bag going to hospital...). We weren't prepared to go to hospital in 4 minutes...but what we did learn at NCT was how to cope with a caesarean birth if it happened. I told the lady about a hypnobirthing caesarean where you can turn the lights down and make it calm and peaceful. We were ready for that if it were to happen. Movements like #csectionstrong help women recover and 1 in 4 women have them so I knew it could happen. I think anyone who's recovered from a c-section is a heroine. And then there are the Mums recovering from a premature birth. They are unsung heroines and I look up to them.

Now I've got an 11 month old and looking back over birth, it's safe to say that birth is the easy part, it's post-natal part during the fourth trimester (3-4 months after birth) that's the hardest...but no-one seemed to tell me that apart from two women during pregnancy. Two amazing women: Alexis Stickland and Beccy Hands. They taught me that, actually, post-natal care is simple and I needn't be scared. Their book: The Little Book of Self Care for New Mums was a life changer. Their workshop I attended in Brighton when I was 20 weeks pregnant was a must for me. We need nurture and care. We don't need to 'get our bodies back' because new bodies have been formed and will continue to evolve. I started to feel more 'normal' with my body at about 9-10 months after birth. I love my body now. It's exactly what it should be. Lumpy in places but I'm happy with that. I'm just dressing a little differently and adjusting my style a bit.

I wrote the following a few months after birth:

"When we were in the early stages on pregnancy, I spotted a mother workshop run by @beccyhands and @candidmidwife : two women who wrote a Post-Natal book. I knew it was something I wanted to attend as I had read books about pregnancy but not about life after birth. The day I booked it I was scared; scared that the pregnancy wouldn’t be successful so I nearly didn’t book it. Thankfully, my pregnancy went well and May came round to go to the workshop. We had Hypnobirthing the day before, stayed down at Oscar’s sisters house in London and then travelled down to Brighton. Oscar went to play golf and I spent the day with 7 other pregnant women and (not exaggerating) my world as an expectant mother changed. I learnt about the little tricks that no one tells you about. Honest ideas about how to soothe and nourish your body after birth. How important it is to still be a couple and look after each other. How to be gentle with yourself. How to explore the community of Mums when you’re ready. How to be careful with visitors. How to enjoy essential oils. How to make cocoa balls. How to be a Mum. How to feel confident about motherhood. After the workshop, I was ready and I still had another 21 weeks and 1 day until Olive came along. These workshops are amazing for women like me who don’t have a clue but are searching for little gems to get them through. Thank you ladies, you really did help a simple girl from Berkshire.
"The world is a better place with little Olive in it. She’s made me appreciate the simple things and helped me understand the basic needs in life. Life is simple. She’s helped me remember how wonderful family is and how we all come together in times of need. She’s making me be a calmer, more caring person. She’s already teaching me to love more. She’s brought Oscar and I closer and we’ve got such a bond watching each other be such caring parents. It truly is a joy. Some nights, I lose my patience and I don’t know what else I can to do to soothe her and some days I still stare at her and wonder how we made such a beautiful girl. She came into the world so wonderfully and I’ll still remember Oscar’s face to the day. The way she latched on so well so quickly and made feeding so easy for me. I’m so proud to be able to have birthed her naturally with just gas and air throughout. I’m so happy we got to stay at home for so long and that we were only in hospital for the final few hours. I’m glad to have got the support we did, especially with breast feeding nurses at hospital in those early hours during that the first night on my own. I’d do it all again and I’d have Oscar by my side every time. He is the only man I’d do this with and I want to do it over and over again until we have our bigger family in the countryside. I’ve never been so grateful of anything.”

I'd like to use this post to say thank you to: 

• The yesmumⓇ Hypnobirthing course in London that Oscar and I loved (they even did parts for the men and really made Oscar feel part of the birth process. During the course, I realised that the only person I needed during birth was him.
• My pregnancy yoga teacher, Sophie, who, at Stable Yoga, taught me how to relax and learn about my body (thank you for the tea and biscuits after every class, too!) as well as meet some amazing mums who I still see today and our babies are all 2 weeks apart.
• The women around me who inspire me with all their calmness, sensibility, power, and kindness. 

Lastly, I don’t ‘feel like a hero’ after birth. I feel I’ve done something a million women have done before me. My two Nanny's did it 12 times between them...it’s a part of life. My Nanny Margaret had 7 children, was a midwife, and gave birth to my Dad in the attic. Maybe that's why I wasn't scared of it - birth was such a normal thing in our family. Birth is something that I’ve always known I’d do. I genuinely feel like what happened was always meant to happen and was natural and normal, not heroic. Pushing a baby out was within me - I knew I had the power (from the women who came before me) to do it. It felt like I knew what to do. It went so quickly that I’d like to do it again already and I’ve only just healed. 

Breastfeeding; now that makes me feel heroic. I had no idea about that. It’s the most special thing my body has done.

Next post: breastfeeding and weaning coming soon...