Today. What a day. I've had two cancer scares in one year. Within that year I've given birth and lost 3.2L blood in a post birth haemorrhage. That's enough now. That's plenty of death warnings. During pregnancy, I had a small lump on my arm like a raised mole checked - it was a suspected melanoma so they removed removed it when Rosie was 3 months as they didn't want me to handle the anaesthetic while pregnant. Instead, I put up with the threat of it during birth and it was a shadow.
Now, at nearly 9 months, I have a swollen thyroid. I've been told that my thyroid is a spongiform texture and they are happy with it. It's been worrying us for 3 weeks. But they found some darker cells beneath. Those darker cells are lurking there. Waiting to see if they're going to pounce or stay benign. In a year, I'll have a scan again to see how they're growing. I didn't know I'd have to be facing all this at 35. It's strange but it's also helped me create a way in which I look on life. I am seeing life differently with a renewed appreciation where I am less frustrated and more grateful. I wish I could life in my happy moments with Oscar forever. He is forever. And the girls. They bring me too much joy that my heart could hold. I hope that one day they'll read this and know they came from a happy, passionate, and crazy lady.
The stars are incredible and the planets are all plump. It's a Monday. The girls don't quite realise the gravitas of the situation but today is a good day. The sun was bright all day. And I found out that I've got a year more to enjoy with them, and hopefully a lot longer. Since Rosie's birth, death has never been closer and we're starting to understand the preciousness of life.
In the car, as I was driving to the clinic, I thought of a story that could be written. It started with silence. With the thought about people not speaking. No spoken language. Just AI and predicted talk. MindTalk. Then came the thoughts of Buddhists. Silence. Life in quietness. Stillness. How would worlds exist without the spoken word. I got really into it. I'll carry it on one day.
The above four paragraphs have been in my 'draft' pile for a month. I've been sitting on sending this information out into the world. The last month has been Easter holidays and we've been to our Devon farm that we venture to every year and fed the cows every morning. It's been the third year we've been. I think it might be time for something more adventurous next time but we'll probably end up with the cows.
As we speak, I'm editing my new website and I'm learning to let go of health scares. My friends have had cancerous cells removed from their wombs in their mid-twenties. That's a lot to deal with and I didn't realise how hard until now. So I'm living. I'm no longer posting on social media. It wastes my time. Time is more valuable with my girls and Oscar and the family. We are busy thinking about our next house move while growing vegetables in potentially the last summer in the house where all our babies were born (June on the lounge floor is quite the memory to hold).
It's time to make each moment count.
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