What we’re searching for (in an aging world)

Every day I learn a little bit more about having three children. Every day they frustrate me but I’m in awe and so proud most days. Today, I’ve dropped off two children to two separate schools while the baby sleeps in the car. It’s all about timing.  We’re used to it now. The weekend comes and the baby naps totally differently. A bit like us, I suppose. I’m learning that every stage goes so quickly but also lingers so long because you want it to end but equally you never want it to end. Motherhood is one big oxymoron.

I’ve been thinking this morning about how different I am as a mother at 35 compared 30. I dread certain things because I know how hard it is breastfeeding exclusively. It is more exhausting now than it ever has been. The nights are easier. It’s the day. I want to do more than play on the floor all day. My mind is craving more now. Being in baby/toddler mode for so long takes its toll. My skin is getting slacker. It’s getting loose. I can feel myself aging. It’s scary but we have achieved so much. Life isn’t so daunting when there’s so much going on and hardly any time to take stock. 

I’m trying to ‘soak in all the moments’ like Rosie figuring out how to crawl (it’s really adorable but also physically demanding for us). Being an older Mum, I know the little things like separation anxiety (and what age it hits) so now at 8-9 months it’s the first time she’s shown this. When I was younger, I thought it was strange and I needed space but now, I weirdly I love it. It’s like she’s creating the mother I need to be (subconsciously) because she wants me all the time and I know it doesn’t last. I am her protector and she’s protecting me. 

I’m more aware of sleep patterns, how frustrating naps are, how slow weaning is, but more than any of that I’m able to sit back and enjoy her smiles as I try to worry less. But then the less worry I have for her, it seems to be projected onto the other 2 children so I probably just worry the same but in different areas. 

The girls are constantly talking about holidays and where they want to go next. They want to go to all the funny places we’ve rented out before like old farms, old nurseries, old dairy farms, weird places by the sea or in Wales, etc. I love how they remember where we’ve been and the strange things they choose to remember - like the old ‘discs’ (DVDs), or the pizza oven, or the ‘place we had three breakfasts’. 

They don’t need any big aeroplanes or white sandy beaches. Maybe when they’re bigger, but for now, it’s all we can handle. The world will open up when it’s ready. Right now, they need love and attention and a routine. But then they also need freedom and nature and healthy food. I never went on a plane until I was 16. Until then, I holidayed in the Lakes and Cornwall. It was childhood paradise. They have it all.

At home, we’re proud of what we eat and how the children see food. They get excited when we bring a massive bowl of prawns from the fish man to the table. They get excited when it’s lasagne day, or toad in the hole, or if it’s just a lovely jacket potato. Every week we manage to throw bizarre dinners at them and they never get another option. But my lord, some meltdowns at dinner with a hungry or tired toddler is unreal. That’s when good wine really helps.

Gardening

This idea leads onto the garden seamlessly as we have been very lucky to be able to turn one side of the garden into a veg patch. This week we’ve been removing the roses and transferring them to the other side of the garden. They are over 20 years old so trying to maintain them in this garden. The little old lady that lived here before would be so happy we’re preserving them. Next up: measuring out the shutters and putting the boards up - then to fill with soil. Can’t wait to start growing our seeds. The biggest thing will be pest control and keeping all those bugs away. Plus the cats. Netting and natural repellents should do it but I’m worried that’ll be our downfall. Worse things to worry about though!

Tutoring

It’s going swimmingly. My recent tutee said he actually quite enjoys poetry now. What a turnaround. Exposing these kids to poetry at this age can have a life changing impact. No dull WWI stuff here. It’s real modern poetry, written with love.

I’ve had to learn a whole new exam board overnight and it’s fascinating. World Literature. Some focus on translation. The bigger picture. Cultures. Society. And how literature is the end product into which people pour themselves into so they can lose what they feel by finding others who feel it too. Finding that common ground. Isn’t that what we’re all searching for? People who share the same common ground so you can be weird with other people too?!

I’m so lucky I love what I do.

Right - Rosie is asleep in my arms so I can finally pop her in bed and I can shower. 

Next update soon. Happy Valentines!

ZP x