I am writing. I am writing. I am writing.
I am finally writing. There is something about this act of scratching a surface with thoughts and ideas. Albeit, this surface is my laptop called Surface, not my notebook, but I'll take anything right now.
My last post was a long time ago and my whole being has shifted. Two children; aged three and a half and one and a half take up most of my time. As well as weaving my partner’s lives in and out of everything: making sure we knit well together. They are wonderfully exhausting. Motherhood continues to be the biggest oxymoron of all.
I am not sure where this post is going but to just update this blogosphere with my utterings.
I now have one morning a week (Thursday mornings) where I can sit by a river and knit my best friend baby's jumpers, or meet people, or eat in peace, or be alone, or do anything that the day might need me to do. It's heaven. I have needed this so badly that I've forgotten what it was like to be alone. My own thoughts are actually wonderful company most of the time and I'm enjoying watching the steam rise from my scorching soup as I type.
Life is wrapped up with many goings-on but this morning is about slowing down and just being me.
The biggest adjustment for me is joining a whatsapp group full of poets. They write and discuss lyrical dilemmas with such a force of life that it's bringing back my joy of writing and reading and literature. Being part of the book club at the library has helped fill in that gap but this group is another level and allows my pure poet to be opened up and explored. It's what I've been looking for for a long time and it makes me feel whole.
Looking back, in April, I handed in my notice to end my teaching job. It's caused a lot of unsettled feelings but being more involved in a lively, educational group has allowed me to feel more grounded. After motherhood, it felt like I could whizz back into teaching, but it actually turned out that I wanted to mother and that took up too much time. My wonderful busy boarding school would require too much time in order for me to get back what I used to. I went back part-time but it wasn't enough. I felt I wasn't enough, and I was doing both things terribly. I needed focus on one thing, so I mothered.
During a meeting with the headmaster, he said something I'll remember forever: "Zara," he said, "you can have it all, just maybe not all at the same time". That comment allowed me to put the breaks on my teaching career and push forward with my home life. I decided that was where I was needed and I've finally let go. Teaching can wait - I wouldn’t be sacrificing my ‘career’ - my teaching skills will always be there. By volunteering with the Pheonix Lacrosse Club (resurrecting the St Bart's Lacrosse after the school canned it) has been my way to keep my feet in the door and teach but on my own terms and times that suit our young family. I still fantasise about being that full-time, full-on teacher where I am able to put everything into my job because, my goodness, I loved it so. Running The Parent Village through Educafe has also been a highlight over the last year. It's flourishing and I'm so lucky to be able to support local parents with resources and cake.
Then I volunteer for Age UK but really, I just like talking to our older generations. I took flowers to my friend, Pat, yesterday and we sat and had coffee in her kitchen while we giggled about silly children. Then I’m playing netball again. Some Wednesdays, when the girls are in bed on time. The other night I felt I was doing too much. But life shifts, and chapters can overlap. Certain hobbies/jobs will slow down or speed up and flow with life so having a few means some are more present than others. Also - I have more women that have come forward to volunteer with me so we share the burden. That helps.
Life has adjusted and shifted so much since children and going back to work like I was before is impossible and I couldn’t even imagine it. It was work for that time. And now I’m in my next chapter and I’m finally feeling more accepting of that, rather than feeling stupidly old fashioned to be a mother at home (or ‘stay at home Mum’ which is a phrase I abhor). As long as our family live within our means, getting this time to slow down is key me being able to miss the girls, therefore not feeling burnt out with feeling touched out. I can then appreciate their weird and wonderful ways without getting the Mum Rage that seems unspoken about.
The girls, Oscar and I will be going to Wales when the Christmas holidays hit and it'll be a time to reset before the activities begins (plus, three and a half weeks with both kids at home will be nuts so we'll need an escape!).
This has been an important post to check in on myself to see how life is balanced. Some things to focus on, others to let go of.
After all, I'm just a human, sat in a long blue cardigan, looking out to the river on a Thursday morning.
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