It feels good to be writing today.
I've set myself a new little goal to write a blog post roughly once a month. My last post was September last year and I can't quite believe it. It's been a while. Lots of things have happened; a third lockdown has hindered how I've gone back to teaching - we're now remote learning whilst juggling a toddler at home. It's been hard for everyone. I think of the first time mothers with no baby club support in those early weeks. I think of the teenagers who are missing out on parties and first kisses. I think of grandparents who don't get to smell and cuddle their grandchildren. I think of the parents who are home schooling whilst juggling life. I think of the people on their own. It's all so heartbreaking but we are now slowly coming out into Spring and into a more sociable way of being, thank goodness. This third lockdown has been the hardest - I'm so grateful for the local support around us for dragging us through.
At the point of my last post, I was about to get pregnant and I had no idea. It's been the most welcoming of news we could have had during this really tough time of the pandemic world we still live in. The slowing down of time suits the slowing down of a pregnant body. Although I'm not used to being pregnant with a messy toddler around my feet! We're adapting and these are the days we'll look back on and can't quite believe we survived. I couldn't go out and have a proper drink at the pub (even if I wanted to) so at least that makes it all a bit better. I do miss a good Sunday afternoon in the pub, though. I miss the houses of my family and friends. But we'll all be together soon.
I've actually come on here to write a little post about feeding babies. When I was an first time Mum, I turned up at my local baby club in Hungerford when Olive was 6 weeks old. I asked them all the questions about how she was crying in the evenings and we couldn't do anything about it (witching hour, I learnt, and completely normal) and I told them about how she sometimes feeds for absolutely aaages (cluster feeding, I learnt, and completely normal, too) as well as a million other things. I was overwhelmed. There was so much to learn. Both Oscar and I were so vulnerable in those first few months and we're so grateful to the people who made it easier for us. The women in Hungerford made me feel normal. Everything I experienced was normal, and no, our baby was not broken. This lockdown has made me realise that if I post about my experience then maybe one more person might feel a bit more normal, too. Mothers should be helping out mothers, and right now, online is all we've got.
I'll let you into a secret: there is no secret... turns out that babies are just hard work!
So...onto feeding. The modern way is to say 'fed is best', not 'breast is best'. When I started breastfeeding, someone told me 'breast is best' and it was bizarre - I didn't feel like what I was doing was 'best', it felt like was I was doing was what I was meant to be doing. It's such an offensive slogan (invented in the 90s to increase breastfeeding) as it makes the mothers who can't feed from the boob feel extremely inadequate. And us mothers feel enough inadequacy as it is.
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| Her first latch and feed a few moments after birth: the most precious moment I've ever experienced (apart from being proposed to in Florence at sunset...) |
Their number is 0300 330 0700. From memory, they're open 8am until midnight. They are a lifeline.
Another lady who was invaluable to me was Kate. She was my lactation consultant. She was there at the end of every teary phone call. Her voice and the way it calmed down the situation was incredible. I honestly think she's a type of angel! Just so you know where we found her: she was the breastfeeding person who led the breastfeeding part of the NCT course we went on. Happy to put anyone in contact with her if they need a consultant. The NCT course itself was forgotten quite quickly (we spent the first few months saying things like 'why didn't the NCT course teach us how to dry a baby's neck after the bath?!'. What was completely necessary for me was to have Kate's support in the post-natal period when I needed an ear and she would give the most amazing, unbiased advice. She would really (and I mean really) listen. There are not enough flowers, chocolate or wine in the world that I could give her to say thank you.
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| A few days old: in a baby bubble and clueless |
I never had a pre-existing idea that I'd breastfeed - I had no idea how to do it and I really did learn as I went along. You really learn on the job. It took me 4-5 months to really get it and then by the time I cracked it, Olive started on food. Typical. Always the same with children. Once you understand something, they go and change it all up. On our toes - constantly. I know it sounds bizarre, but that's why I can't wait to do it again: you only exclusively feed them for such a short amount of time. It's such a wonderful, short time in your life. I realise that now. It's hard though and there will be those types of days where there is more cloud than sunshine...but the sunshine is so bright up there.
Here are some bits I've picked up along the way:
The fourth day after birth: If I hadn't have been told about the hormone drop on the fourth day (co-existing with the milk coming in) then I would have thought I was going crazy. My waves of anxiety were unbelievable. It's actually the biggest hormone drop that a woman will experience in her entire life. No wonder we feel so awful. I'm so glad I knew it was coming and I was so glad I had chocolate and Friends to repeat on Netflix. Advice: Get comfy and be prepared for the intense feelings to come and go in waves. Every day, the waves get shallower and each day gets slightly easier than the next. Your bad days will be outweighed by good ones and eventually you'll start to feel more yourself (but a whole new Mummy version of yourself that you create along the way).
Poor latch? Poke your little finger into their mouth while latched to break the seal then re-adjust. Get the right position first. Get their belly to yours. Get their nose right. Get the chin position into boob and angle baby on. They really have to have a big open mouth. Easiest way is to watch a video or two. The KellyMom website is great and the right YouTube videos (happy to send). Getting positioning and then latch right is key to milk leaving the breast properly and into baby. I'm going to have to remember how to do it all over again as toddler breastfeeding is a lot lazier and developed. It will be a whole new journey with number two (if I'm lucky enough to do it again).
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| Our favourite position whilst cluster feeding |
Don't know if they're having enough milk? Most of us worry about this but as long as the latch is right, they're weeing and pooing ok (waiting up to 10 days for a poo is ok) and they're gaining weight (going up in clothes sizes is enough if you're not weighing) then you've got nothing to worry about. Olive fed for 5 minutes each side and that was it. Other babies feed for up to 45 minutes. I had a fast let down. It caused a lot of wind at the beginning and we had quite a lot to learn about burping. It felt like it was a myth you didn't have to burp breastfed babies. We did. A lot. She then got used to it and now guzzles down everything. The strong let down meant sometimes I'd have to catch the let down in a muzzy or a haakaa (and freeze it for weaning later as explained below) but most of the time I couldn't be bothered and she got used to the speed. I also leaked a LOT and while my boobs adjusted (took 4-5 months to really settle down) I just got used to being covered in milk a lot. You'll find your way.
Cluster feeding? I had no idea this was even a thing. Baby will be on you for hours. And hours. And hours. I used to have Olive on me for 7 hours from the afternoon into the evening. I put the telly on, got comfy, and surrounded myself with love and snacks. Now, she can can still be on me for an hour at night. Boob aversion can happen but go with it if you want to, it's all just a phase.
Pumping? Just do you. I still remember Kate's advice that when you pump, you're asking your boobs for more every time so they will produce that again as they think baby is taking it. So, pumping can actually cause your boobs to produce more if you're exclusively feeding at the same time. I took my pump out of the packet, got scared, and put it back it the packet. It's still collecting dust. Some women use it loads. It all depends on how you want to feed. As I wasn't going to use the pumped milk for bottle feeding, there was no point in pumping as my boobs provided everything baby needed. I found exclusively feeding the most suitable for us. The only thing I did was express the top off of some forceful feeds using a Haakaa as my let down was so strong that baby couldn't handle it and it gave her wind trying to gulp it down (and she'd dribble it everywhere). So taking the top off was good to control the let down until my boobs and baby settled into a routine. The milk I harvested went straight into the freezer and we used it all for baby's first foods during weaning. I loved that she was weaning with the flavour of the milk she was used to. It felt like a lovely transition and made it easier for me to cope with.
Can't get comfy? Try all the positions. We couldn't get on with rugby hold but some mothers love it. Lying down at night worked wonders for us. We started it at 2-3 days old and she still does it now at nearly 18 months. I've got a new big butterfly cushion for the new baby and can't wait to try it.
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| Post milky smiles are the best |
Fussy feeding? Head bobbing around like a woodpecker? Wondering what on earth they're doing? Yep. It's nuts. They're either having a funny moment, trying to stimulate boob for more milk, just learning how to move around, or some other mysterious reason we'll never understand. I remember it happened really strongly at 4 months and I struggled to feed out and about as I thought having a wriggly, writhing baby whilst feeding wasn't normal. It also made my fast let down squirt everywhere if she came off. Funny at home, not so funny when it squirts into Ted's pint at the pub. Babies are meant to just sit there and be all relaxed when they feed, aren't they? They are not. Some pump they're legs up and down. Some wave their arms everywhere. Go with it. Nipple twiddling is also a BIG thing.
Night feeding? Babies feed throughout the night. They need to. Keep nearby for you: snacks, a small red light - we used a salt lamp (emulates the light of the womb whereas blue or white light can wake them up more), a proper pillow, lots of water, another midnight snack or two, and something to do the online shopping on for the next size up of clothes! Remember, there are millions of women throughout the world also looking through a window wondering when they're child will sleep. You are not alone. That light that's on across the street? Probably another Mum questioning the world just like you. Try to relax and go with it - the baby will tend to act worse if you're stressed to. All they need is love.
Feeding out and about? Do whatever you feel comfortable with. I've fed by the sides of canals, in the middle of fields, in cafes, in bars, in pubs, in specialist rooms, on benches, in the back of the car: if baby needs feeding, I'll stop and throw her on.
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| 4 weeks old and our first wild feed of many... |
Mastitis or blocked ducks? I used these heat pads from Lansinoh (as well as they're nipple cream - I actually love the brand - Olive now only uses Lansinoh bottles as she found them most like boobs). Some women swear by using tea bags and cabbage leaves. I'd try anything if it was bad enough! I've always been told to feed through it (even though it's painful) but always speak to the doctor. I've heard to avoid pumping as it can cause excessive milk build up (the more you pump, the more your boobs will provide) but it might work for some people - for me, I just made more milk and then the milk had nowhere to go so it made me worse. I was lucky enough that a few of my blocked ducts didn't turn into full blown mastitis. Baby seemed to feed through it all and maybe my fast let down helped. Who knows. I hand-expressed to get big blocked bits out. Once, mine squirted out across the room about 2 metres once...ah the joys! Oscar and I found it hilarious at the time and I was so relieved. There's nothing quite like the relief of a blocked duct squirting out. Never did I ever think I'd write that...
Tired? I feel you. I have never been this tired. Get rest when you can (and that advice about 'sleeping when the baby sleeps' is so hard when the baby sleeps on you...I can do it now as Olive is a toddler and sleeps in her cot but when they're little it's tough. It doesn't last long but at the time, it really feels like it'll be forever. I would pass her onto Oscar or a Grandparent so she'd snooze on them and then I could sleep/read/be me.
Bottle Feeding? We got allll the gadgets in. This perfect prep machine that the second master at school said it would change my life at 2am (when a bottle only takes a few minutes) is still in the cupboard. All the sterilising gadgets are still there, too. We prepared for different ways of feeding as we didn't know what would work for us. All I remember is Olive never wanting to take a bottle. To be fair, we only tried a couple of times but boob was just too good. It was exhausting but I had nowhere else to be. No-one else needed me like her and I was there 100%. We could have persisted with trying a bottle but it felt pointless and too stressful. My milk was so abundant and we both enjoyed it so we carried on. I felt this strong urge that what we were doing was right. She loves her bottles now before nap and bed though...she suddenly just went for it as we tried it once my milk was depleting during this second pregnancy. But when she was little, she wanted boob: it's what she's always known. She still needs it now when she bumps her head. It's her comfort. And it's there until she doesn't need it anymore. So I put up with all the pain and struggles and we got to a place where we were in a groove. Then another bump in the road would come up. There are always bumps; it's never a smooth journey.
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| About to go on my first lunch out.. |
On the whole, it's what felt right for us. So do you. Do whatever feels right for you. The connection we have with our babies is amazing and you can get that through any type of feeding, it's not all about boobs. I had no idea I would breastfeed, let alone this long!
At 6 months or so, we started to wean onto 'the mush' (separate post on weaning I feel coming up). I really struggled with weaning. It was sooooo difficult. What can they eat? How do they eat? Where? So many questions and not enough answers. I kept a diary. I will share that soon.
Whilst weaning, Olive really did gradually reduce her feeds but it mainly happened as she dropped her naps. So she'd have milks before sleep so when she'd drop her morning nap, then the feed at 9am(ish) dropped too. Then, when Oscar was able to put her to sleep, she dropped her lunch feed too. The 3:45pm (ish) feed was the last day feed to go. Some babies are completely differently but that's how they dropped off for us. I just went with her and didn't offer it unless she asked. She would crawl over and pull down my top if she wanted any. Then, the top pulling started to be a sign for being hungry for snacks until she could say 'num-num'. I now ask if she's hungry and she goes 'yeah' and looks up at me with her excited eyes. So cute. So, eventually, boob was replaced with food or snacks. My poor little boobs are away all day until bed time and having a rest for when the new baby comes along!
Now, she only feeds to sleep at night-time and during the night when she wakes up. Sometimes just once like last night, or sometimes it gets to a point when I can't feed her anymore as she is stuck me to like glue for hours and being pregnant, it is too exhausting to carry on so that's when Oscar steps in and then she's usually up for 2-3 hours. It's a little phase she's in and it's hard but we know it won't last. That's what we've learnt. Nothing is forever. This horrible phase will end. This, too, shall pass.
If anyone is interested, when pregnant, my milk gradually reduced down and between 16-20 weeks it felt like there was hardly anything. Olive still wanted the comfort at night and we pushed through it. I had a few bouts of boob aversion so Oscar had to step in. That's a phase too. Now, my colostrum has started to come in for the new baby. Bang on at 20 weeks. The body is a strange thing. It was a shock to both of us but apparently it's normal...so many things I'm learning along the way. I've got no idea what will happen between now and when the second baby is born but all I can say is this:
Feeding our toddler at the same time as growing a sister or brother feels indescribable. It's like I'm in awe of my body and I am amazed at what the body can do - it's like my body is the most feminine it will ever be - it is the most stretched it will ever be but it's doing exactly what it should - to create, to provide, and to love. While Olive feeds, her hand rests on my tummy where her little brother or sister are and inside, baby kicks and rolls around in delight. We are all together in that one moment. I never knew how special motherhood would be, and in those moments, I never want it to end.
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